Nine things this neurodivergent therapist wants you to know
I recently posted a list on Instagram titled “Nine things this neurodivergent therapist wants you to know,” and the list received enough positive response that the algorithm keeps circulating it a month after it was posted. I actually labeled it as Part 1 because I will eventually return to the topic and post another similar list. There is no shortage of affirming things I wish all people knew and held firmly within their heart and soul. For now, I am going to return to this original list and speak a little more about each one.
I have a therapist.
Why would I tell you this? I want you to know that I am on my own continued process of personal growth. I want you to know that I have a safe space to process my own internal experience in order to keep myself in as healthy of a place as possible. As therapists, we go into people’s most stressful and upsetting thoughts and feelings, and it is important that we have our own process for offloading it as it becomes too much. When I interviewed therapists in my own search for one, I asked if they had a therapist, and I would not have moved forward with a therapist who either didn’t have a therapist or who was not willing to acknowledge that fact openly.
You don’t have to have the words to describe what you’re feeling or experiencing.
I have always recognized that language is limiting, and people have so many different experiences that words cannot accurately describe. I think part of the reason why we laugh and cry is that these are both examples of our bodies expressing an internal experience that can’t be expressed with words. In my role as a therapist, it would not make any sense if I expected my clients to have some superhuman ability to articulate every internal experience. I know many therapists seem to have that expectation, and I think it’s silly and a primary reason why their effectiveness is limited. I lean on a range of expressive and somatic approaches to overcome this language barrier.
Your feelings are valid.
They just are, and I’m sorry if anyone has ever tried to tell you otherwise.
It’s ok if you don’t know what you’re feeling. The feelings are still valid.
For years, I have said that one of my primary roles as a therapist is not to make you feel better but to help you become better at feeling. Becoming better at feeling can mean different things, but in this case I am referring to a process of connecting to your internal experience to gain more of an understanding of what you are feeling. But this is a process, and no matter where you are in this process, your feelings are valid.
I will never try to convince you that your thoughts are irrational.
Some people believe in therapeutic modalities that essentially convince a person that their dysregulated emotions are a result of irrational beliefs, so if they change their beliefs, they won’t be in distress. This is self-gaslighting. This lacks nuance. I would rather jump into the hard stuff with you to understand what’s going on beneath the surface, and we can work together from there to decide the next steps.
I will never accuse you of lying to me.
I don’t believe clients lie to therapists. I believe clients are as honest as they feel safe enough to be. I will focus more on your feelings of safety than on what may be most objectively true.
I will affirm your need for feelings of safety.
One of the most basic needs a person has is the need to feel safe. When a person doesn’t feel safe, the brain and body’s threat response system will focus on survival at the expense of being connected in the present moment. Disconnecting from feeling unsafe is different than beginning to feel safe, so only the latter is a healthy goal. As a result, understanding how to help you calm your nervous system is a core part of my job. When I work with families, I spend a lot of time helping parents understand their child’s/children’s nervous system(s) in order for them to be able to support their children with this goal.
I will never push you in a direction unless I fully believe you have room to grow.
This can be a fine line to walk because I want a person to feel encouraged and challenged without feeling shamed. The risk of shame seems especially high when I am supporting parents who are feeling overwhelmed and burned out. But I have the advantage of being just outside of that stressful situation. So when I give you a nudge in a direction, I believe it’s a direction you can go, and I’m committing to supporting you through that growth process.
If you cuss in session, I will too.
Here’s a secret: a lot of clinicians are relieved the first time you let a dirty word slip out because we’re holding back until we know your vibe. I actually know a therapist who will always drop an F-bomb in an initial consultation because it helps make sure she ends up with the right clients, but I don’t go quite that far. However, I find that it can be very affirming for clients’ feelings of authenticity when my response to their language is to match it.
There are so many more things I want you to know, but I think this is a pretty good start. I’m not saying all clinicians hold these views nor am I saying what I think others should think. This is just me, and I hope you find some benefit from me sharing a little more about my approach to my work.